• "Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak."
• "I'm not insensitive, I just don't care."
• "Shin: Device for finding furniture in the dark"
• "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure"
• "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"
• "I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory."
• "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory"
• "Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
• When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
• "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
  
• "Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
  
• "Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
  
• Laughter is an instant vacation.
  
• "I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone."
  
• The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
  
• Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
  
• Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
  
• Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and you get rid of him all weekend
  
• Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
  
• The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
  
• And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
  
• Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap ... but by the seeds you plant!
  
• It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
  
• The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
  
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
  
• Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
  
• Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
  
• Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
  
• A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
  
• Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
  
• Meanness don't just happen overnight.
  
• Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
  
• Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
  
• It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
  
• You cannot unsay a cruel word.
  
• Every path has a few puddles.
  
• When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
  
• The best sermons are lived, not preached.
  
• Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
  
• Don't judge folks by their relatives.
  
• Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
  
• Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
  
• Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
  
• Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
  
• If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is top diggin'.
  
• Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
  
• The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
  
• Always drink upstream from the herd.
  
• Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
  
• Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
  
• If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
  
• Live simply.
  Love generously.
  Care deeply.
  Speak kindly.
  Leave the rest to God.
  
• "Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil."
  
• Men, chocolate, and coffee are all better rich.
  
• Crazy is a relative term in my family!
  
• "Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
• "Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to."
  
• Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
  
• Never think about the mistakes you made. Think about the mistakes you will make."
  
• Best friends are the people that know all about and still put up with you!
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.